My Immortal My ass
by Strangershadow
Summary: This 'story' consists of Dumbledore- who has constant headaches, Voldemort- who flies on broomsticks, Harry- who has red contact lenses, Draco- who has a Vampire tattoo, and one incredible, head-banging, 'goffick' Mary Sue. This is 'My Immortal'- in my opinion. WARNING- Serious loss of brain cells to be expected.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Everyone's heard of the notorious fanfic- 'My Immortal'. To give you guys a general idea, it was written by a so-called teenager named 'Tara Gillesbie' and it was infamously bad- so bad that the fanfiction website took it off after a few years. But authors have re-posted it to give people like us a good hearty laugh. You can learn more about it on the Encyclopedia Dramatica.**

**So- this is 'My Immortal' in my opinion. And sorry for the title, but I feel so strongly about this fic that it made me resort to cuss words. This is my hilarious take on this sad excuse of writing.**

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_**My Immortal- in my opinion**_.

**Chapter 1.**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **[yeah, she's more than just gothic, my friends...read on to find this author's true level of mental retardation]** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **[because of course I have nothing better to do than to think of you in '****_that_****' way]** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling **[so THIS is your spelling AFTER editting?]** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **[Ebony- wood, Dark'ness- darkness, Dementia- mental illness, Raven- bird, Way- um..path. So, dear readers, her name, apparently, is Wood Darkness Mental Illness Bird Path. Nice] **I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **[yeah, because I have brown hair- OF COURSE my name has to be Brown!]** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **[because not knowing Amy Lee is such a ****_major_**** characteristic flaw] **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **[*cough* incest *cough*]** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.**[I think one of the major qualities of a vampire is that they have ****_pointed_**** teeth] **I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **[Hogwarts is in Scotland, dimwit]** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)** [*****_gasp_***** really?!] **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **[That's just pathetic, because there IS no Hot Topic in England] **For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots [**...because Peeves got pissed of at me and burnt my Hogwarts school uniform...]** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **['it was snowing and raining' *****_sigh_*****. And she says she's seventeen...] **there was no sun [ **so it can snow and rain at the same time, but the sun can't be there when it snows or rains? This girl is twisted]** which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **[ and they give a damn because...?]**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **[Really!? ****_No_****!]**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly **[ Draco Malfoy is ****_never_**** shy]**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. [**...and I left Draco Malfoy standing there as he fought to decide whether he should laugh or hex me..]**

AN: IS it good? **[Oh no, it's just ****_amazing, _****really] **PLZ tell me fangz!

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**A/N [Strangershadow] : So my dear readers, I leave it up to you to decide if I should continue this or not. I- personally had a lot of fun, so I will be updating and next chapter will contain my commentary on Chapters 2 & 3- but who said reviews aren't nice? ;)**

**Looking forward to your views and "fangz" for reading..*shudders* Oh, ****_God_**** I can't even use this language as a joke..**

**Until next time-**

**~SS~**


	2. Chapters 2 and 3

**My immortal- in my opinion.**

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**Chapter 2 & 3**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!** [- as the whole world is divided between Preps and 'Gofficks']**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again **[Hmm...something doesn't feel right about that sentence...]** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had **[because- you know- thats what normal people do all the time] **My coffin was black ebony [**excuse me but does anybody know any type of ebony wood that is NOT black?]** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun **[She put on FOUR pair of earrings. Now I don't know if that's possible but so far as I am concerned, it most certainly is not. But I'm a 'prep' *shrug* so what do I know?]**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes **[She woke up, grinned, flipped her hair and THEN opened her eyes**] She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots **[...and didn't even seem bothered by the fact that Ebony was right there watching her put on those clothes. because- no offence- I can never do that in front of a female best friend. like, ever]** We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.** [...because that's the first thing she thinks about after she gets up in the morning]**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.** [...so vampires have blood to allow themselves to blush now?]**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room **[...which just so happened to have two coffins in them. Considering that that was where they seemed to have come out of, I'm assuming thats where they slept..?]** and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.** [...so that the whole Hall stared at me...]**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.**['flirtily' is not a word]**

"Guess what." he said. **[Where's the question mark?]**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.[ **As it is totally normal for a Pureblood to know of a Muggle band which is about to play in a wizarding village]**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. [**I don't care, and frankly, none of the readers do either]**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **[...and fainted and then Draco whacked me over the head for the reader's satisfaction]**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **[I think that just gives us even more incentive to flame this sad excuse of a story]** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **[Because only goffik people are capable of giving good reviews. let me tell you- the only people who ever gave you good reviews were either being too sarcastic for your thick brain to comprehend, or they were just reviews you typed yourself|** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.** [You don't even _need_ to say it- we all know that loud and clear]**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky[***yaaaaaaaaawwwwwnnn*]** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists** [...because I think self-harming is a casual issue that I can make fun of**] I read a depressing book** [..so as to not kill the mood] **while I waited for it to stop bleeding **[...as vampires suddenly have blood running through their veins- honestly she makes this sound like a chore] **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**[...so that people don't turn to stone when they look into my eyes] **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**[You realised that all on your own?**] I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **[ Yeah, that makes sense- I mean, I drink loads of human blood to get ready for a concert!]**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**[...which he stole from Ron as he is so absolutely in love with Ebony] **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).** [Draco: What is this garbage? My father will hear about this! Me: Calm down, Draco, calm down...]**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. [**...because, you know, thats what girls do when they talk to their crushes- talk in a depressed voice]**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **[seems like Draco modified the car he stole from Ron. Wow, he'a really in love with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, isn't he?]** and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs** [- and thanks for setting such such a good example for our young readers-].** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **[WE CAN** **SEE THAT]**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung filling the club with his amazing voice.**[You know, the excessive use of cuss words is kinda getting to me...]**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**[*_cough_* Mary Sue *_cough I mean- _who the fuck does she think she is?]  
**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**[because- like- Draco's _so_ insecure]**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**[...and she thinks Draco Malfoy knows Hilary Duff why...?]**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees **[Ah, what a normal day- going with Draco Malfoy to muggle concerts and getting autographed tee-shirts. Malfoy must've had the time of his life].** Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! ******[...so that he could push me out of the car and watch me get trampled on by the centaurs...and hopefully a few flesh-eating beasts]**

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**A/N [Strangershadow] : Thank you for your reviews- TheMysteriousGeek2345, Fallen-Ryu and Rachael with an A! :):) I was lazing around so I thought why not criticise this fanfiction a little more? I'm sorry if I come off as mean by this but I'vd gone beyond feeling pity for this author, and I just cannot deal with this fanfic in a rational way. It makes me frustrated to know someone could publish such a fic and make out a joke out of all the others authors- like me- who're ACTUALLY trying to improve their writing skills.**

**Please review :) Feel free to add your own commentary in your reviews!**

**~SS~**


	3. Chapters 4 & 5

**_You're reading- My Immortal, my ass. Warning- serious brain cells may be lost while reading the original copy. Tears of blood may be cried, heads may be banged, and you will have serious urges to kill something while reading this._**

**Chapters 4 & 5**

Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **[Yes, author dear, I know Ebony's name is Enoby] **nut mary su OK!**Chapters 4 & 5**** [*laughing my ass off* Of course Enoby's name is Mary Sue- since you obviously know what 'Mary Sue' means, don't you?] **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! [-again-Mary Sue] dey nu eechodder **[eechodder- that sounds like something cattle graze. Just in case you aren't able to decipher it- because I wasn't at first- she means to say 'each other'] **b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **[um...driving a flying car..? Speaking of which- when the hell did he get a license? Or even learn to drive? Or even KNEW what a car is?]**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **[right in mid-air, because I don't see her mentioning whether they landed on ground or not so lets just assume he fell down]** I walked out of it too, curiously.**[...and then she fell down too]**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.** [No wait- wasn't it 'Enoby'?]**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **[Draco: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Me: *shaking head* oh Enoby, Enoby, Enoby, Lucius is going to kill you...] **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **[because I can never stay mad at someone when he looks at me with sorrow and 'evilness'...]**

And then… suddenly just as I **[ just as I...what? Just as I...WHAT, Enoby?! I'm dying here!]** Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me **[...in mid-air** **as we floated around in the air- because we are magical people- we can do anything!] **and we started to make out keenly against a tree **[..which I can only hope** i**s The Whomping Willow**]. He took of** [*off*, you pathetic girl, its *OFF*] **my top and I took of **[*OFF*] **his clothes. I even took of **[Oh God...] **my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **[My eyes burned when I read this. 'Nuff said]**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm **[..because this scene's just _so_ steamy] **We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **[...who was ALSO floating in mid-air!]**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **[Oh honey, if I flame, it actually means I'm _SANE_]** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **[So Dumbledore- poor little Dumbledore- was walking around in the Forbidden Forest with a splitting headache and he saw them going at it, so he shouted 'You motherfukers!' because it is the most natural thing to do in this situation]** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **[Oh come on, only five?]**

Dumbledore made **[Dumbledore made what...? Lemonade?] **and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **[Its 'ludicrous', I'm pretty sure- unless she's made her own 'goffick' language]**

I started to cry tears of blood **[which is a naturally occurring phenomena in the lives of 'gofficks'-slash-depressed-slash-vampires-slash-mental retards]** down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **[Oh no, this is Miss Enoby Mental Illness we're talking about- how dare McGonagall question her actions?!] **

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**[Me: surprise, surprise! The real Draco Malfoy: *dies*] **

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **[Upstairs WHERE? It's a freakin' CASTLE- not a small two-floored house!]**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **[Because she has every right to be depressed after her crush confessed his love for her in front of the school faculty members] I went to the girl's dorm [What happened to her coffin and separate bedroom?] **and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte** [What? He just starts singing randomly? Isn't that a little weird? Oh wait *_looks dumbly at this fic_* Oh, I get it...]** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.******[...to plot my murder]**

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_**A/N [Strangershadow] : So this was my opinion on these amazingly good chapters by the incomparable Tara What's-her-face. If I'm correct, her username was something like 'XXXbloddyrists666XXX' which in itself speaks miles about her, because slitting your wrists is a very serious issue. Ignore my rant and thanks for reading :) **_

_**And of course, thankyou for your review, Fallen-Ryu :)**_

_**~Yours truly~**_


	4. Chapters 6 and 7

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **[Oh then, there's no need to update then. Really, it' be hard to live without your story but we'll manage]**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end **[*yaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn*]** and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple [**...so that they would shed because of all the chemicals and I would end up bald]**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **[- and none of the students stared at me AT ALL...]** and a glass of red blood. [**as there are so many other colours normal human blood can be]** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **[ so much eyeliner that she was going down his face, right]** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **[Oh, so you knew he was supposed to have glasses before you even knew who he was?]** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent **[...and she knew that before he'd even said anything to her]** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko **[ New medical discovery, people! ]**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **[You knew he was supposed to have a scar and glasses- two MAJOR hints- but you didn't know his name?!]**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**[The least she could do was let him keep his name. But I guess that would've just been a huge insult to Harry. It's better if he's christened into someone else]**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **[ha ha, so funny!]**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. [**...oh, so the Count Chocula with blood and the glass with blood and your sickeningly 'goffick' appearance didn't convince him already?]**

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **[...Don't worry, Enoby- its actually a trap. ****He's leading you to your impending doom. MWUAHAHAHAHA!]**

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**Chapter 7.** Bring me 2 life **[she just ruined the song for me]**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **[*gasp*]** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **[Oh, _she'll_ report _us_?!]** is als Evony** [And that's the third form of her name!]** isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **[because all of her actions you've so skilfully described so far are classic signs of depression, huh?]**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **[..okay, now I'm really curious- what exactly does she think a Mary Sue is?]** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco **[...oh Yeah- she is SO depressed, isn't she?]**. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **[They took off each other's clothes and then she took her top off]** Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked **[really, I couldn't tell]** and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **[HOLY FUCKING GOD, OF COURSE THAT IS NOT STUPID!]**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm**. **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!**[I bet that was what Draco was trying to hide when Harry saw him getting robes at Madame Malkin's in the sixth book! His tattoo of "Vampire"!]**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much **[...just by looking at a tattoo because I am just so wise!]**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **[That's just offensive- and in so many ways I can't count! So she thinks that because Draco dated 'Vampire' (Harry) he will have AIDS- which was previously thought to be a gay-related disease? Can I please kill her? Pleeeeeeease?]**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked **[because in this delusional fic he is _so_ maddeningly in love with Ebony, since she's just the perfect girl]** He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **[Which is why she noticed]** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **[Hm, she continued stomping out]** where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **[..Ah, everyone is a motherfucker now]**

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**A/N: Yeah... Just wait around for a couple more chapters and you'll see how 'better' this gets *smirks* In fact, before this story was taken off the website (Tara never got down to actually ending it) another fanfic author was able to hack into Tara's account and she typed her own hilarious ending that got readers cracking up. But then Tara got hold of her account again and I don't know what she did after that- probably deleted the last chapters. All I can say is- God bless that hacker.**

**Thanks for your reviews- Fallen-Ryu and TheMysteriousGeek2345 :)**

**~SS~**


	5. Chapters 8 and 9

**This is My Immortal, in my opinion**

**Disclaimer- Oh good lord, this is definitely not mine.**

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Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep! **[Ok, I'll pretend I understood that...]**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **[Oh Ebony, please, please, take me back! I need you to be in a relationship with me since I'm a masochist and love you causing me pain!]**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly **[Since Tara has so graciously forgotten to tell you- Bloody Mary Smith is actually Hermione, like 'Vampire' is infact Harry. I think she mentions it later on..]** She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood **[OH MY GOD WHY DOeSNT SHE JUST SAY THAT SHE'S CHANGED EVERYONE INTO "GOFFICK" RED-EYED IDIOTS?!]** that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on** [Because it makes perfect sense to put white make-up on a pale white face]** Hermione **[aah, here we go!]** was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **[..and also because he reckoned dying was better than watching his little Hermione be turned into a 'goffick' maniac by Ebony later on]** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed **[aw, me so sad]** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **[Why don't you just introduce a whole new character?]**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned **['demeaned'...right]** angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him **[I'm sending Snape a bouquet flowers and a big bottle of hair gel for saying that to Ebony]**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **[Pause here. So she means to say that Vampire cheated on her with Draco? But that means she was dating Vampire. Which means she was cheating on Vampire with Draco, who was cheating on HER with Vampire! Wait- why am I trying to make sense of this story again? *facepalm*]**

Everyone gasped.** [Oh no!]**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **[And we have Draco's POV now, just out of nowhere]** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **[Because of course I wanna know about her sexuality!]** for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker **[Is it just me or does it feel like this 'Britney' is a real person in the author's life..?]** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)** [haha, like anyone would hang out with you!]**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed.** [..and back to Ebony's POV]** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **[*virginity. but oh God *laughing* 'virility' sounds so much better! I have tears in my eyes]** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.** [She spontaneously combusted into tears and evaporated.]**

**...**

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **[I don't think you read any of the books. Wait- you know how to read?!]** dis is frum da movie **[She just insulted the movies.]** ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!** [Damn wrong, it's all your fault!]** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **[Because that's just what Dumbledore does when he has a headache- takes a stroll in the dark Forbidden forest, hoping to valiantly battle some creatures and call everyone 'motherfukers'!]** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **[Snape's Christian! Oh my god, priceless! Drumroll please!]** MCR ROX! **[Please don't insult the band by saying that you like it]**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **[Did she have to add that last part?]**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **[ Yeah, of course! I mean, the only character in the whole HP series who actually _does_ have red eyes and wears black robes is not gothic!]** It was… Voldemort! **[YES, VOLDIE, YOU'RE HERE! KILL HER! KILL HER!]**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **[Because according to her- Crookshanks is a spell]** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **[in yo' face, Voldie, ya just got Crookshank'd]** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **[Oh, shes so great, she can defeat anyone- even Voldemort- but doesnt because she feels BAD for him.]**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **[And why art thou speaking in Shakespearean language, Lord Voldemort?]**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.** [because that's, like, the first thing anybody would think about when they're in front of Voldemort]** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?** [Took you soon enough to figure THAT one out]**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun **[I mean, why use a wand?]** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **[...after thee finishes thy tea and scones!]**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look **[Seriously? Seriously, are you kidding me?!]** on his face. "I hath telekinesis." **[Oh my God, I am laughing so hard...]** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **[I can just imagine it- Voldemort flying away into the sunset on his broomstick..]**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"** [Yeah, hi, Draco! I mean, I just had a scary encounter with Voldie where I Crookshank'd him and he told me to kill Harry, otherwise he would kill you, but that doesn't matter!]**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **[I wish I didn't 'geddit'..]** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **[Joel Madden: I am never wearing that again...]**

"Are you okay?" I asked. **[Ofcourse he is okay, I mean, he's got a girlfriend like you, he confessed his love for you in front of the school staff, he ran out naked begging you to take him back. Of course he's ok]**

"No." he answered. **[Well, damn, really? I wonder why...]**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **[sure, she 'expelled']**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **[...and out of the corner of my eyes, I didn't notice Voldemort hidden in the corner of the Forbidden forest- pointing his wand at me, as he thought of the most torturous spells possible]**

* * *

**A/N [Strangershadow]: So, I got a suggestion from Fallen-Ryu asking if I could write a summary of the chapters in the end for those readers who don't want their eyes to burn out from reading the original version. Here's a brief summary of the above two chapters-**

**Ebony goes to Harry (Vampire) and accuses Harry of cheating on her (yeah, you heard it right- apparently Harry has cheated on her with Draco) and Draco comes into the classroom naked begging for her to take him back. Hermione- or B'loody Mary Smith- is introduced, and is indeed also another 'goffick'. Ebony runs away to the Forbidden Forest to cry, where Voldemort flies over to her on his broomstick, points a gun at her and tells her that she should kill Vampire Potter otherwise he will kill Draco. When she asks him how he knows, he says he has Telekinesis, and then flies away. Draco comes, Ebony patches up with him and they go back to Hogwarts. ****Oh, and she thinks Crookshanks is a spell. **

**...Wow, the summary sounds so ridiculous, now that i think about it...**

**To- Fallen-Ryu: ****I managed to get a hold of the hacker's version, so I'll be posting it up later when I reach those chapters. But then Tara got hold of her account again and posted some other chapters -.-**

** Let us Remember: Yep, Tara is still on fanfiction. Her username is XXXbloodyrists666XXX, if I'm not wrong, although all of her stories have been removed.**

**Thankyou for all the reviews- my three anonymous reviewers, Fallen-Ryu, Let us Remember, Miko Potter and nothing :)**

**Oh man, I'm having so much fun with this fic. *smirks***

**~SS~**


	6. Chapters 10 and 11

**This is My Immortal- in my opinion.**

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Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **[How _dare_ you write such an offensive A/N? I don't need justification for anything that has happened in this story so far because no amount of reasons you give me can _ever_ justify this piece of crap.]**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **[Oh wow, you ARE obsessed]** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **[Well ofcourse you do. ****This whole fic is just a pile of your favourite bands and obsessive satanism anyway**] The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **[Ron: Bloody hell! When did this happen? How long was I asleep?!]** and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists [**And that's just not alarming at all! In fact, it's the most normal thing to do so I must not care at all!]** (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **[I'm heading towards you with a cross right now. Be scared. be very, _very_ scared...]** or a steak)** [I think she meant 'stake' but *shrugs* beef works too. As long as it works on her]** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride** [*nod* because of course they will have a television set in Hogwarts.]** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **[AAARGH MY EYES!]** and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **[Simple Plan band members: Holy...! What kind of people listen to us these days? Me: She's the only one! I swear- all rest of your fans are perfectly sane!]** You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.** [No no, 'course you're not. I mean, I only have this whole fanfic as proof, nothing much]**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **[Again she spontaneously combusted into tears and then evaporated. I know- makes no sense- but...*points at the fic* Seriously? You wanna compare me to _this_?]**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **[Aww, don't cry. I'm sure one of them will kill you first so you don't have to watch]**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **[BOO! Ebony fainted, and true to my words, died out of a heart attack.]**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)** [No, you know what, that actually is not. That is spot on!**]

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. **[Draco: NOOOOOOOO! No, that does not happen, you pathetic, pea-minded excuse of a witch!]** Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour.**[I mean, Draco's upset- why should she care? Its not like she's his girlfriend or anything..]** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **[He cried wisely because of course that is humanly possible!]** (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **[Because he couldn't bear to live his life with Ebony anymore]**

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Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 [No, I agree. This chapter isn't stupid- this whole story is] it delz wit rly sris issus! **[Somehow, I highly doubt that]** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid **[Does she know how completely stupid she sounds just now?! 'See for myself'... as if she honestly thinks that if I read it, I will go "Oh no, I was so wrong about this fic!"]** brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied!** [she was 'horrorified]** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself** [just out of curiosity, was it tears of blood this time, or are they only for special occasions?].** Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **[Right, _he's_ the perv, well that just tells you about her mentality...]**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood** [ah, there we go! It _is_ a special occasion!]** and then I slit both of my wrists** [and bled to death, joining my beloved Draco, who was 'horrorfied' that he couldn't even get rid of me in the afterlife]**. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume **[I'm never, ever going to be able to listen to another Linkin Park song without that mental picture *tries to bleach her brain*].** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide **[Almost? WHAT DO YOU MEANT _ALMOST_? I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS VERY MOMENT AND THEN YOU _ALMOST_ STICK IT?!].** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.** [Yeah, *sarcasm* I can see the serious issues now]** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **[Because of course Snape knows what a video camera is!]** And Loopin was masticating to it!** [Right...'masticating'...]** They were sitting on their broomsticks.** [Lupin- What fresh hell is this? Snape- Thousand points from Slytherin.]**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **[*facepalm* even her towel's black...]** Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" **[-cried the magician!]** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun **[because I'm to dumb to work my wand and I know zero spells]** and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore **[My condolences to your name]** ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside [**So she was having a bath outside?]** on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **[Hmm, really..?...'_Little_'?]**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **[So we must take him seriously, even though Hagrid is neither of those things!]**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him **[And what about the gazillion gun shots? Or did perfect little Ebony miss the aim?]**. "There must be other factors."** [Yeah, because you know, kinda busy here, being shot to death and all...]**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly **[..that reminds me of an elephant..]**. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.** [Yeah *waves away casually* I get the feeling _all_ the time...]**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.** [Lupin- Yes, why? Why did you ever pick up a pen, Ebony? Who taught you to? Who? WHO?]**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **[Boy, thats a tough one]**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent** ['_I'm on another level, bitch you heard me say that do you, SOD I never mentioned you cause you not worthy, Yeah, we royalty dont talk to me, Bitch you not worthy'_- that's from an actual song in which 50 Cent collaborated. Thumbs up for Hagrid, 'cause I like to think he sang this]**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **[Snape- *glowering dangerously* Ten thousand points from Slytherin! Who put this demented woman in my House?!]**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **[Grawp: No, Enopy! Hagrid love me, no you! *tramples Ebony down to her death*]**

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**A/N [Strangershadow]: So..yeah...I was having a bout of writer's block for one of my fics, and nothing better than to come to this fic and take the frustration out. I wanna whack this author for how she portrays self-harm, as if it's the most casual and normal thing to do. **

**Summary- Ebony is rehearsing with her band, and Harry and Draco are somewhere else, depressed, slitting their wrists or watching depressing "goffick" movies. Ebony tells Hermione (or B'loody Mary Smith) about how Voldemort's condition, and Draco overhears and stomps off. Some times later, Dumbledore comes in and tells Ebony that Draco has committed suicide by slitting his wrists (even though she said it's not possible just earlier in the chapter). Ebony is depressed, and she goes to have a bath and _almost_ (*sigh*) stabs herself ****when she finds Lupin and Snape spying on her. Ebony comes out and shoots them with her gun (but apparently they're still alive somehow), Dumbledore appears, Harry's mentioned somewhere and Hagrid comes yelling about how they need to talk and proclaiming his love for Ebony...and I lost track of it for a while, sorry.. -.-  
**

**Thank you for the reviews, Miko Potter and Rachael With An A :)**

**~SS~**


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